Writing, pondering, wondering…

Hydrangeas in our back yard

July 2021 is almost over. I’m not sure how that happened. Ice and snow changed to rain and pollen counts, and then to humidity and heat. It’s been a season (well several seasons, in reality) of questions and fears, of wondering and pondering… of watching life slide by and feeling like I could have done more. And yet, if I stop to take stock for just this last week…

  • I drove 167 miles (all recorded on a tracking app we are required to use for hospice.) On some days, this was the majority of my work hours due to traffic and accidents.
  • I saw 18 patients, scattered across Montgomery County.
  • I called 14 additional families to offer visits/support.
  • I spent hours on the phone talking to the families of those patients I did see, hours charting, and still more hours staying organized to manage my caseload and prioritize visits.
  • I weathered the storms of staffing changes

I know that I did my best, yet I still feel lacking, like a screw-up waiting to happen. The stress of the week was like a 10-car-pile-up on my brain this morning. I sat on the patio with coffee. I didn’t even finish the morning paper. I couldn’t get my brain into gear to crochet, paint, or even start the laundry. There is no gumption left. I’ve fought to stay moving forward, but I’m at a place of IDGAF.

I’m tired. So tired. And I know why..

  • I’m tired of seeing unnecessary deaths because people will NOT follow public health guidelines.
  • I’m tired of snarky remarks from strangers who see me masked.
  • I’m tired of xenophobia and homophobia, and seeing people hurt by prejudice and injustice from bigots.
  • I’m tired of the stress of wondering, with each ache and pain, sneeze or sniffle if I have COVID. (I don’t at the moment… I’m tested for my work regularly.)
  • I’m tired of trying to stay positive, of being a “team player” when there’s no end in sight, and my teammates and I are just trying to stay afloat.
  • I’m tired of feeling that what I do is not enough.

My to-do list is ridiculously long. I had no clue where to start! So, instead… I refilled my coffee and I sat. I watched the birds. I looked the beauty of blooming things (even the weeds I don’t have the gumption to go and pull…) I observed the hummingbird going from floweret to floweret on the hydrangea bush.

I finally dragged myself inside to do a little work at my desk, refilled my favorite pen, and read a book. I gave myself permission to blow off any chores this morning. I listened to the Carolina wrens and blue jays. I colored (a little) and left the design incomplete. Then it hit me…

…by leaving things intentionally undone, I gave myself permission to just REST.

Since March of 2020, the whole world has been in a state of imbalance. We’ve been running on nervous energy and the little reserves we had are gone. All gone. We are all struggling with feeling “safe” and yet know now we are not. I am more affected by this constant stress than I realized. I grieve so many losses… as we all do. I am letting my “fix it mentality” take a back seat today. And I recommend that you do as well.

28 Have you not known? Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God,

    the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He does not faint or grow weary;

    his understanding is unsearchable.

29 He gives power to the faint,

    and strengthens the powerless.

Isaiah 40 NRSV

This road is long… the tasks are difficult but not impossible. Thanks for walking it with me.

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