I have discovered that some of my fellow seminarians and I can contract some rare diseases. It is apparently a common health risk for us. You may have heard of them (or experienced them yourself?) but here’s a short list of the top five diseases of seminary students. The poster bears no responsibility if you become inflicted with these diseases by reading about them…
Guessticulitis: You are given an assignment by your prof. S/He wants you to respond to a discussion question with your opinion on a specific topic. You have no real clue what s/he is looking for when asking this question, but you give it your best shot. This is referred to in less holy settings as a “W.A.G” (Google it… it does NOT mean “Welsh Assembly Government”…)
Pontifica-trombonosis: This is the person who argues the loudest in class, with loud, high-sounding and convincing words. S/he does not give anyone else in class a chance to talk. One wonders how they breathe. You have this almost irresistible urge to tell them to — um — “mute it” but you don’t. You are sisters and brothers in Christ, after all.
Smearsma: Least lovely of the diseases. The unfortunate patient wears a perpetual sneer and does his/her best to berate, embarrass or denigrate the unsuspecting student who holds a different viewpoint in a discussion. Usually a complication of pontifica-trombonosis.
PresbyBaptiWesleyphobia: An interesting affliction, success of treatment remains uncertain. Most notable symptom is a fear of mainline or denominationally affiliated churches which have existed for more than ten years. Appears to have surfaced most recently in students who were raised in rabidly “independent” or “nondenominational” churches.
Concordthesauritis: Usually a complication from first sermon preparation. The patient insists on including the twelve forms of a word and their variant meanings when exegeting the text. Vernacular terms are “Thesaurus mouth” or “Concordance Breath.”
Unfortunately, these diseases are quite contagious. They spread onto blogs, into churches and some times into print media. Beware. Be warned. Be afraid… Be very afraid.
The previous post was brought to you as a service of seminarians everywhere who are punchy and maybe just a WEE bit tired of typing their papers…