I have been using the affirmations from a temporary tattoo company, Conscious Ink, to help me refocus on what is next in my life. I keep going, even when there is grief that overwhelms. I keep going, despite anxieties about upcoming cancer surveillance appointments. I keep going, know that the years of clutter and “stuff” won’t clear themselves from our home. I keep going, knowing that God is with me and does not abandon me.

But today… today is a day that requires looking back a little. Sixteen years ago, I was ordained as a pastor. As part of my spiritual direction in the years that followed, I have re-evaluated and renewed my Calling. More than ever before, today I know that I was born to do this work, to keep going…

Over the last year, my life has been in upheaval. Ken’s death. My own cancer recovery. Facing questions yet again on what my ordination means in the Baptist tradition when I attend a Presbyterian church. (There are no churches of my particular Baptist flavor within easy reach, the closest ones are over an hour away in DC and northern Virginia.) I wish I could tell you I have all the intricacies worked out. I don’t. But that does not change my walking, faithfully, as God calls me.

One of my seminary mentors once said to me, “Walk FULLY in your calling. Don’t deviate. Don’t look at others. Walk in YOUR calling.” I have tried to follow this wisdom. It is not easy. Understanding and living into who I am, my identity, and my passions has changed over my years of ministry. Priorities have changed, too.

In the year ahead, I will work as a Pastoral Assistant for my church, providing support and pastoral counseling as needed. It is a very, VERY part-time position. Having the discipline to work with a limited schedule will be a challenge!

I am also beginning again to research the story of my many-great grandmother, Ellen Brown Hickox Stewart. I want to share her amazing life! She was a suffragette, an abolitionist (before abolitionists were cool), and a prophetic preacher. She came from a poor farming family, and outlived two husbands. I’m rereading her autobiography so that I can put her words and her story into its historical context. I think she has things to tell me… and perhaps, you, too.

And finally, I’m living with the moments of grief as they come. I am trying to feel them when they wash over me, and reflect on what it is that makes that particular memory so strong and difficult. Hard stuff. Essential stuff. As much a part of my Calling as saying a prayer or preaching or visitation.

When I sit and crochet at night, I have been re-watching all of the seasons of Call the Midwife, a BBC miniseries. An episode the other night had this closing commentary that I thought spoke to my life, my Calling, and my present situation.

Welcome the darkness. Embrace it as a canopy from which the stars can hang, for there are always stars when we are where we ought to be: amongst the faces we love best, each with our place, each with our purpose, as fixed and familiar as the constellations. The darkness is beautiful, for how else can we shine?
(Season 9, Episode 9)

So keep going, friends. Whatever you are battling… worrying about… questioning… keep going. God is with us.