Yesterday, April 8, 2024, was a total eclipse for a swatch of folks across the United States. I know this is not “new news” since it has been obsessively reported everywhere! I document the event to put this blog post in context because months from now I won’t remember why I’ve been thinking about nightfall and songs in the night…

Trusty Eclipse-o-scope (aka a strainer!) in hand, I sat on the back patio yesterday, watching the birds as they seemed to go into nighttime mode with less activity and quieted songs. I didn’t have eclipse safety glasses, so I watched the shadows change, the round circles in the strainer become crescents, and the overall light fade. Just as quickly, I saw the birds’ activity return to regular levels, and their songs surrounded me. The verse that came to mind was a Psalm that I read more than once in the infusion chair…

 “Let me remember my song in the night;
    let me meditate in my heart.” (Psalm 77:6, ESV)

Today was my one-year, post-treatment CT scan. The results were ALL CLEAR! I was more than a little emotional, as the last week or two I have been, well, anxious as I was awaiting the test and the results. For you cancer muggles, we call it “scanxiety.” There was no logical reason for me to be anxious. My lab tests were good (or at least improving. I’m looking at YOU RBCs and Hemoglobin! Get with the program!) My overall health appears to be good. I am feeling more like myself, with more energy. BUT. BUT. BUT. Cancer doesn’t follow the rules. You can feel great and have cancer! (That was my experience when I was diagnosed. “But I feel fine!” I said to my doctor…) Nope! Logic, and scans… well, they just don’t go together.

The last few weeks I had trouble sleeping. From my bag of relaxation techniques, I would listen to music and practice my meditative breathing. The “songs in the night” were songs of joy, hope, reassurance, and peace. The playlist was put together by a friend who is also a music lover.

The song I played on repeat, night after night, was a setting of Mi Shebeirach by Susan Colin. Mi Shebeirach is a Jewish prayer for healing, physically as well as spiritually. It also offers petitions for all who are facing illness, sorrow, suffering, or pain. The song gave me an anchor as I wrestled with my fears.

There are people who never, ever admit to having fears or doubts. I’ve had plenty in my cancer journey. Even now, as someone who is NED (“no evidence of disease”) there is still a low-key worry in the back of my mind. What my dad used to call the “what-ifs and how’m-I-gonnas” were on a rampage. This is my real-life Christianity. Imperfect. Anxious at times. Honest.

Healing comes in many forms… The work of building my hope and peace is part of my Unfinished Symphony, to be certain. I am still learning how to receive this love from God, share it with others, and rest in the Divine work within me. I’m following Stewart’s example and enjoying the sunshine… and basking.

Thank you for praying through this with me.

sdg