From Augustine’s Confessions:
Fecisti nos ad te et inquietum est cor nostrum donec requiescat in te.
You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you.
Elder StatesCat, Polgara, is restless today. She paced around the kitchen as I had my morning oatmeal. She walked back and forth between the back door and the couch.
Back and forth. Back and forth.
She is usually asleep by the time I’m done with my morning routine and heading out the door. Today, she is restless.
About two weeks ago, we took her to the vet because of a large calcification on her shoulder. X-rays and an exam showed that she has a fibrosarcoma on her left scapula. It’s getting larger by the week. Given her advanced age, and the fact that she has Stage 2-3 renal failure, we aren’t doing anything more than comfort care and spoiling her.
I notice she hesitates before turning in a new direction. A couple of times when she has turned abruptly, she lost her balance and staggered a little. I know she is not doing as well as even a few weeks ago.
Her restlessness reflects my own… My questions and prayers have bounced all over the place this morning.
I settle to read on the couch and she climbs up beside me, carefully gauging how far she has to jump. She begins to relax, kneading and purring quietly. As long as I sit here and read and write, she will keep me company.
I’m not the best at settling and waiting, but that’s the season that I’m in right now. Doubts and discouragement creep into my thoughts. I sit with these doubts, but I don’t adopt them. It is part of this process of discernment and transition.
To what? I have no clue. When? I don’t know. Why is it taking so long? As a mentor pointed out, I have highly specialized skills in a flooded market. Underemployment is common for many of us trained as chaplains. That’s reality.
Despite all this, I am not feeling hopeless. Frustrated, perhaps. Tired of waiting, most assuredly! I know that the God who hears my prayers and my frustration also answers…
Depart from me, all you workers of evil,
for the Lord has heard the sound of my weeping.
The Lord has heard my plea;
the Lord accepts my prayer.
Psalm 6:8-9 ESV
Thanks be to God!
P.S. Green Day’s Waiting is stuck in my head.