Be still, my soul! the Lord is on your side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to your God to order and provide;
In ev’ry change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul! your best, your heav’nly Friend
Thru’ thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Translated from German: Stille, mein Wille, dein Jesus hilft siegen by Kathrina von Schlegel

September was a rough month. It started with an EKG that was a little wonky during a cardiac clearance for a minor procedure. That test result required follow-up with a stress test and echocardiogram. The results reassured me that I was OK, but I had never had a wonky EKG before. It scared me. I could feel the anxiety building in me, even though the doctor’s reports showed my heart was not perfect, but stable. Even with that good news, I was still scared… I found myself worrying about things WAY in the future. I felt trapped in a web of “Doctor Bingo” and medical bills and new prescriptions.

In the process of dealing with new medical challenges, and managing a house with all of the increasing costs of everything from utilities to having to hire extra help for the yard, I realized that it was time to make some changes. Changes that required triaging what I must do, making long-term plans, and then accepting the reality that I would have to make a long-distance move.

I fought against the idea. I felt like I had no options. I cried. I wanted something else. I had a lot of “soul arguments” with God. Then, one quiet, humid morning, I stood on the patio, trying to re-set my brain for the busy day ahead. I let my eyes travel around the back yard, pausing when something caught my attention. A squirrel scolding. Chickadees playing in the branches of the fir tree. Leaves beginning their gentle descent from tree to earth. And then I saw this spider web, woven amongst the leaves of the irises. (And yes, weeds. Always weeds.) I went back to my breath training…

Breathe. Focus. Rest. Trust.

I repeated those words several times, settling myself back into equilibrium. I sang Kathrina’s hymn. I looked at various translations of Psalm 46:10… Be still. Cease striving. Calm down. Desist. Be still and quiet. Step out of the traffic! Stop your striving!

“Be still” doesn’t just mean “shut up and listen” (although that helps!) It means that I stop trying to manipulate, change, or fight my circumstances. To be more curious than defensive, more accepting than stubborn, more trusting than clinging to spiritual belligerence. Guess what? It’s a work in progress.

In the weeks since my decision to retire at the end of December and begin planning a move, I have fallen back on my “Star Word” for the year: TRUST. One word, given at random at Epiphany, provides great guardrails for my life right now. How it will all unfold is unknown, but I am confident that it is not outside of the wisdom and love of the Divine. As the seasons move from summer to fall, I can continue to look for moments of beauty… and yes increase my Trust. Blessed be.