I have been working for a few days now on paperwork related to taxes. It’s only February and “tax day” isn’t until April… but the events of 2023 require piles of paperwork and spreadsheets and organizing them into data I can give my accountant. I hate it. It’s not my strong suit.

Every doctor visit and EOB (Explanation of Benefits) brings back memories, too. The decisions that had to be made on treatment for Ken. My own health challenges. The sights, smells, and sounds of a hospital room, a doctor’s office, a waiting room. The miles driven back and forth. The time my sisters gave up to drive from North Carolina to Maryland to support me. The physical pain of chemo and radiation treatments. I’m blessed (or perhaps cursed) with a vivid recall of those days as tears well up in my eyes.

My heart and my brain can only take so much, so I turn to a more calming pursuit. Knitting or coloring, or making music or art. Stretches and a walk around the block. Putting on my boots and working in the mud and muck of winter. Diversions… but I still have to get back to the piles of paper that wait for me.

Today I sat bundled up on the patio and watched the bluebirds fight for the suet feeder. I trimmed branches and encouraged the daffodils to wait a week or two (enthusiasts that they are, most of the bulbs have broken ground!) I soaked up a little sunshine and tried to remember that this is just a season in my life. As the Post-It note over my desk says, “It is NOT forever. It is just for now.”

Mary Oliver wrote:

Someone I loved once
gave me a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand that
this, too, was a gift.

It is not all darkness… there is light and hope. I’ll trudge on through winter’s mud and watch for the gentle greening of spring. When the memories overwhelm, I’ll take a step back and feel… breathe… maybe cry… and start again when I’m ready.

No profound wisdom here… just the honest reflection of a procrastinator (when it comes to paperwork) and grief.

Thanks for walking this with me…