It’s been almost six weeks since my CPE (clinical pastoral education) residency ended rather abruptly. I knew on some level that I would not be working through the summer with the “staffing restructuring” that had been going on since January of this year. But the cancellation of the CPE program for the immediate future meant that those of us who were “residents” (i.e. CPE students with a stipend) would obviously not continue as a line item at a budget-slashing hospital. Our supervisor and the spiritual care department VP locked horns. We students were the collateral damage.

To be fair, I was offered a per diem job at my old worksite. No benefits, lousy hours and lots of them. I chose to decline the offer, since I pretty much knew what I would have to do to survive under that schedule. It was not a place conducive for my personal, emotional or professional growth. There was little flexibility for my family’s needs and schedule requirements this summer. I needed a clean break to begin the next chapter of ministry. I also needed one more “unit” (aka semester) of CPE to finish the minimum number required for board certification as a chaplain. This is an important goal, since it’s hard to get back on the CPE treadmill once you have a full-time job.

I agonized and talked about it endlessly (and I do apologize to my family and close friends about that!) But as someone who is a verbal/visual processor, it was necessary. I wrote out Scripture promises given to me. I read books on management, calling and ministry. I didn’t want to stay in a “job” just to make money. But I also didn’t want to cut myself off from continued professional experience. It also didn’t help that this training site was literally 10 minutes from my home… talk about cheap transportation and convenience!! I was unclear on what to do.

A moment of clarity came as I was crocheting a prayer shawl. Now lest you think I am in the afghan-making business, I most definitely am not! It took me six months to finish my first shawl. It looks so uneven that I have decided to make it a kitty throw. They don’t mind.

Anyway, I was in the process of correcting a major mistake in the prayer shawl. If you crochet or knit at all, you know that means unraveling a bunch of stitches until you get to the “good” part again. My labored work disappeared so quickly. Without the next stitch holding the previous one in place, the double and triple stitches just vanished with a pull.

It got me to thinking…

We spend a lot of time in the treadmill of life. Row after row after row of the same set of life’s “stitches” seem to self-propagate! We get invested in keeping things “where they are” instead of “where they could be” — or at least where, with God’s help, they “could” be!

The days of the week fly by. The months disappear into years. Kids get taller. Cars collect dents and scratches. Weeds regrow in the EXACT same places. And our carefully manicured lives get unraveled when there’s a pull in the wrong direction. Unless you “tie off” an end, the unraveling could go indefinitely.

I put an intentional “tie off” in my training this spring. There were systems and policies in place which, if I had not stopped to consider and evaluate them carefully, would have been completely detrimental to my professional and spiritual growth. It was definitely a “second-best” situation. Over time, my love for my work and ministry would have shriveled in the wind of patronizing and patriarchal philosophies.

It doesn’t mean I don’t want to do shift work or per diem on call work. I will be doing so this summer, but at a different, larger hospital in the area. It will mean more expenses in driving, taking the Metro, paying for parking, and being away from my family. It is a carefully considered choice that we’ve made.

One of the best aspects of CPE is that it forces you to be reflective in your processing of work (or life) encounters. There’s a forum for direct supervisory, peer and self evaluation. There’s a place to “own” your part of the conversation, and a place to disassociate while you reflect and respond. It’s not all bad. In fact, when things are unraveling around you, it’s a very healthy place to be!

Thanks be to God!